Sliding vs. Deciding: The Small Choices That Shape Our Lives

Do you know how you like your eggs in the morning? Or are you more like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, sliding into whatever egg preference matches the person you're with or what's most convenient at the moment?

I wanted to discuss a concept that is easy to miss but feels transformative once we recognize it. I first encountered this idea early in my career while working with families through the PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), a highly regarded framework for strengthening relationships. More recently, it has been reinforced in my exploration with the Gottman Institute, which remains one of the most sought-after programs for both pre- and post-marital counseling. PREP refers to this idea as "Sliding vs. Deciding," while the Gottman Institute integrates it into their framework through "rituals of connection" and intentional decision-making within relationships.

Being me, I can’t help but take this concept a step further, exploring how it influences not just intimate partnerships but also parenting and daily life. Are you making intentional decisions in your relationships, or have you become a passenger or backseat spectator to what’s unfolding around you? We often handle the obvious, big decisions life requires of us—choosing a job, moving to a new city, or making financial commitments. But it's the micro-decisions we barely notice that can quietly shape the dynamics of our relationships. Over time, these unnoticed choices can lead to resentment, regret, or unexpected conflict when their cumulative impact becomes impossible to ignore. This often leads to the questions, generally at the end of a relationship “how did we get here”?

Balance between work and parenting doesn’t happen on its own—it requires intentional conversations and ongoing negotiation. A major life shift, like returning to work or kids going to school, doesn’t come with a built-in redistribution of responsibilities - mom’s if you know, you know. Without clear discussions and adjustments, even positive changes can lead to imbalance and burnout. Taking the time to communicate expectations before reaching the point of overload is essential for sustainability and well-being. Also - expectations sometimes need to be flexible and negotiable. What you expect may not be the same as your partner or child’s agenda. Without full knowledge and acceptance of this we can often get stuck.

Most of the time when we realize we have “slid” into decision making. I encourage a reframe and a redo. I work with couples all the time that have great love for each other. Love that, in the beginning hid the imperfections or incompatibility in their relationship. Now they are left wondering “how did we get here” or “what did I miss”? 

Sometimes we didn’t “miss” anything. Just as we change, our partners do too. We often miss the lessons in life that teach us how to talk about these things. It’s awkward and uncomfortable which cues those sliding behaviors. I believe there is still space to recognize, stop the sliding and decide to pivot. And rest assured “pivot” does need to be as dramatic as your brain may be shouting.

What Do We Do When We Realize We've Been Sliding Instead of Deciding?

Pause – Take a moment to ground yourself, regulate, and self-soothe. This isn’t the end—it’s just a breather.

Recognize the Pattern – Ask yourself: Is this dynamic working for me? Don’t overanalyze or redefine the entire relationship. This may simply be about acknowledging that your current morning routine isn’t serving you.

Get Curious About What Needs to Change – Small shifts or experiments can relieve tension. Some adjustments can be made internally, while others require collaboration. If a conversation is needed, approach it with curiosity—not an agenda. Tensions may be high, so keep it friendly, maybe even playful.

Take Intentional Steps Toward Balance and Connection – Move slowly. Be kind to yourself and to those around you, but don’t take on more than you can carry. This isn’t a time to overcompensate. More often than not, the internal shift happens first—before it can be offered externally.

Side note - “Sliding versus deciding” is not a term used in Gottman. Though this framework is discussed widely throughout the model. I choose to stick with the “sliding versus deciding” verbiage as it feels easily accessible. Right now, I’m deepening my understanding by exploring The Gottman Institute’s curriculum. If this resonates with you and you’re curious about how it could apply to your life, let’s connect!

Warmly,

Megan Rowe, M.Ed., LPC

The Gottman Institute. Gottman Method Couples Therapy: Level 1 Training Manual. The Gottman Institute.

Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg. Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce. Jossey-Bass, 2010.