Staying: A Guide to Navigating Conflict and Connection

Have you ever found yourself holding back from saying something because you weren’t sure if it was your place? Or maybe you did say something—and immediately wished you could take it back? These moments can feel uncomfortable, sometimes even unsafe. Or just incredibly awkward. Regardless, it can be so difficult to stay when we feel uncomfortable.

No matter how you feel about them, situations like these often stir up conflict. That conflict can be both internal and external, creating a tension that’s hard to ignore. In reflecting on this idea, I keep coming back to the notion that conflict only feels safe when we know the other person will stay. And sometimes, that other person is the one staring back at us in the mirror.

"Staying" can be more than just sharing a physical space. It’s about a willingness to remain present—emotionally, spiritually, and mentally—when things get tough. Are we truly “staying” when conflict arises, or are we avoiding, numbing, or escaping?

The act of staying is to pause, cease, or refrain from moving. Literally. However, we both know that we can physically “stay” while emotionally, spiritually, or mentally seeking an escape. This often feeds the tension of the conflict, resulting in a loop we feel helpless to break. Try measuring these moments as we move forward. Using a scale of 1 to 10 in intensity can help us know when we need to make a small shift in our approach to yield a different outcome than normal.

When You Find It Hard to Stay

Whether with yourself or another person, try these tips:

1. Give Words to the Struggle

Sometimes, just naming what you’re experiencing can help. For example:

• “I am having trouble being in this moment with you, and I really want to be.”

• “I am trying to avoid this because I cannot control the outcome.”

When we name the elephant in the room, it often makes the situation easier to process in the long run.

2. Lean on Curiosity

Approach the moment with curiosity instead of judgment. Try saying:

• “I am feeling awkward about this, and I am curious if you are too.”

Curiosity can shift the dynamic and open up a space for mutual understanding.

3. Ask for a Do-Over

Change is hard, and it’s natural to fall back on habits that don’t serve us or others. Our speech and thinking patterns can unintentionally trigger reactions we didn’t anticipate. It’s okay to recognize when you would have liked to handle a situation differently and ask for a “do-over.”

For example:

• “I didn’t mean for my tone to come across that way earlier. Can we try that conversation again?”

  
  

4. Anchor and Focus on the Outcome

When it feels hard to stay, remind yourself of your "why." Are you doing this to strengthen a relationship, grow personally, or break an old pattern? Anchoring to your purpose can help you push through discomfort and stay engaged in the moment. This refocus reminds us of our intention and meaning.

5. Take an Intentional Timeout

For a more physical boundary that respects your need to step away but supports your desire to stay, I LOVE promoting the art of a “timeout.” What sets a timeout apart from fleeing is that it’s intentional, with a scheduled return.

Here’s an example of how to communicate this:

• “I’m finding this topic hard to stay focused on. We keep getting tangled up in the weeds. I’d like to take three days for both of us to come up with two ways we can move forward. Can we talk on Friday?”

  
  

During the timeout, do your best to avoid one-sided conversations or rehearsing arguments. The point isn’t to prepare for battle but to neutralize the space and reflect.

6. Embrace Silence

Silence can feel awkward, but it’s often where the best reflection happens. Allow yourself and others the space to sit in the pause without rushing to fill it.

7. Practice Self-CompassionR

Remember, being kind to yourself builds the foundation for offering the same compassion to others. Staying is hard work, and it’s okay not to get it right every time. Progress matters more than perfection.

That last one—practicing self-compassion—is crucial. We cannot seek change if we cannot accept our struggles in a gracious way that demonstrates self-kindness. For parents, this skill is especially important in instilling positive self-esteem within our children and teaching them the importance of staying. When we model self-compassion, we show them how to handle their own challenges with grace. As the saying goes, when we know better, we do better.

Be well,

Megan Rowe, M.Ed., LPC

Current Reads:

Nedra Glover Tawwab. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself.

Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.